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You May Be Married to a Filipina if . .
.
You may be married to a Filipina if
. . .
- your refrigerator is always full but you
cannot find any food that you recognize.
- instead of a dowry, you got the whole
bill for the wedding and honeymoon.
- most of the decorations in your house
are made of wicker.
- you are expected to be able to read her
mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and which
way her lips are pointed.
- all her relatives think your name is Joe.
- the instant you are married you have 3000
new close relatives that you can't tell apart.
- your house isn't really on fire, but there
is a very charred fish right on top of the stove burner.
- all the desserts are sticky and all the
snacks are salty.
- she eats her fruit with giant salt crystals
and her fried chicken with ketchup.
- even the ketchup tastes weird . . . very
weird.
- you throw a party and everyone is fighting
to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig.
- all your kids have 4-5 middle names.*
- your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge
your existence and to call you by something other than "that
white guy."
- you try to call her up on the phone and
someone tells you "for a while" and you want to know
"for a while, what??"
- you are trying to go to sleep and she
keeps asking for the comFORT'r, and you ain't got a clue what
she's talking about . . .
- your first Christmas present is some funny
looking baggy see-thru shirt made out of leftover lace doilies.
- your phone bills are all international
and average 3 hours per call.
- she sweeps with something that witches
usually fly around on.
- her idea of classy, expensive champagne
is Asti Spumante
- the rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and
uses up 50% of your electric and food budget.
- on your first trip to the Philippines,
you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry
on" luggage requires a small forklift truck.
- the same luggage is over filled with things
that cost an average of 15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms
-- the worst part is when you get off the plane, the same stuff
you've been hauling around half way around the world is available
in every store in the airport for half the price!
- all her pajamas look like they were worn
by the Dalai Lama until they got too faded.
- the first time she's pregnant you have
to go out at 4:00 in the morning looking for some weird type of
greasy sausages, green mangoes and bagoong.
- You buy a new $500 freezer so she can store
200 pounds of SPAM and CORNED BEEF that was on sale.
- everything in your house was bought on
sale, even if you don't need it .. as long as it was a "bargain"
is all that matters.
- she gets really excited by sucking the
fat out of pig knees.
- your daughter gets her ears pierced when
she's 2 minutes old but your sons are not circumcised until they
turn 21.
- all your postage bills instantly double.
- you hire a yaya because your wife thinks
you clean mirrors with soap and a sponge and the yaya seems cheaper
than a divorce.
- the only "white meat" she likes
is You, and that's if you're lucky . . .
- her favorite sauce is called patis, Americans
call it turpentine.
- she actually thinks that bowling and golf
and billiards are real sports and are more important than baseball
and football.
- you were married 5 years before she explained
to you that "ARAY!" doesn't mean "ooh, baby!"
- she prefers bistek to beef steak.
- her idea of new upholstery is rinsing
the bagoong stains out of the slip covers.
- she can eat and talk at the same time,
in fact that's her especialty!
- her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite
fancy dessert is Jello mold and for something REALLY romantic,
she'll offer you a halo-halo with 2 straws.
- you still don't know what's the difference
between manong and manok.
- she and the kids are always saying "Daddy
made utot" and you still don't know what it means but they
think it's pretty funny.
- other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering,
her next most expressive form of communication is grunts and pssst's
- she goes to the movies just for the AC.
- her homeland has more Megamalls than islands.
- before every holiday and visit, her sisters
fax you a 10 page "bilin" list which says "suggestion
only."
- your kitchen table has a merry-go-round
in the middle.
- all the vegetables she buys at the Filipino
store look like they were grown at Chernobyl.
- your in-law's first visit lasted 5 years.
- her friends are named Chinky, Girlie,
Boy and Bimbo and you are not allowed to smirk.
- her home economics course only taught
shopping, eating and siesta; cooking, cleaning and sewing were
not electives.
- her idea of edifying reading is gossip
magazines.
- all your place settings has the silverware
backwards and there are no knives.
- she washes her hair with a bucket and
her car with a broom.
- she uses an umbrella even if its not raining.
- her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is
"1001 New Recipes for Pig Parts You Were Gonna Throw Out"
- you are the only family in a 200 mile
radius with 2 VCRs, 3 televisions.
- she's done her best job planning a surprise
party for you if she manages not to tell you about it until a
week or two before.
- she "cleans" her closet by throwing
all the crap into your closet.
- AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: you are pretty
proud of yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself
some unique, rare, tropical goddess type until you go to the Philippines
and can't tell her apart from anyone else in the whole country
(unless she's taller than 5'1", then it's a bit easier).
- BONUS ENCORE: it was your wife's idea
for you to write this cause she thought it was funny . . . for
a while though until the list got TOO LONG!!!
= = = = = = = =
Proceed to "The Real Deal," the
second part of "You May Be Married to a Filipina If . . ." |
